When Angels Fly Away
by GreyEyesGlaringAtShonda
Summary: She was not afraid. She was not nervous, and she did not get the feeling of nauseousness every time she thought about it, or she heard two nurses talking about it in the hallway. She just did not! She could not. updated with chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

_When Angels Fly Away_

by **greyeyedgirl**

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He was laying in solitude, eyes open as he stared, not blankly, but obviously deep in thought, at the painting of a sailboat in the middle of the sea from his hospital bed.

Cristina closed her eyes at the memory, leaning farther against the door to the on-call room. She couldn't deal with it.

She was _not_ afraid.

She was _not_ nervous, and she did not get the feeling of nauseousness every time she thought about it, or she heard two nurses talking about it in the hallway.

She just did _not_! She _could_ not.

She could not allow this to happen to herself. She could not let her mind grow hazy, as opposed to sharp. She could not—she could not—

She let out her breath in a soft _whoosh_ of air. She was still sticky with sweat from the hot Seattle air, it was air conditioned in the hospital, but the 10 minutes she had been inside were not yet long enough to make her body completely comfortable.

She pulled at the bottom of her scrub top, wiping the sweat off her forehead, her eyes closed. Her hair seemed too long. She wanted to get it trimmed, but she knew if she did she'd regret it.

Cristina Yang didn't make big decisions easily. She didn't like the idea of not being able to back up, to rethink things, to change her mind. She didn't like the idea of getting her hair cut spontaneously and, if she didn't like it, not being able to do anything about it until it grew back out. Even if there was a chance that it would look great...To Cristina, it wasn't worth it.

She didn't like the idea of children, not just because she was horrid with them and didn't know how to talk to them or treat them and didn't like the idea of them messing up her career, but because she knew once the thing was born, there was nothing you could do about it. They were stuck with you, not just for 18 years, but forever. Cristina Yang didn't like the thought of that.

Surgery was different. It just felt right. She'd been wanting to be a surgeon for practically her whole life, or ever since her mother had brought her into Saul Rubenstein's private clinic when she was 2. Saul, in an obvious but inexperienced attempt to suck up to Cristina's mother, had let her see his tools. "As long as you don't touch, Cristina," he'd said, kindly but firmly. "They're very dangerous."

Surgery had created an _excitement_ in her, a _thrill_, and she knew she'd been hooked. She'd played with everything sharp she could find, from scissors to butter knives, dissecting Judy dolls and even a dead frog outside their Beverly Hills mansion before her mother had caught her. "That's nasty, Cristina!" Helen Rubenstein had exclaimed, smacking her hand away. "Little girls should not be doing such things. Leave that dirty creature alone, I call somebody to come pick it up..."

Cristina could still see the dead flies swarming around the dead animal just a few shades darker than the bright grass, as her mother tugged her away.

"Cristina?"

It was Meredith's voice. Cristina sighed, closing her eyes. Pushing a strand of sweat-soaked curly black hair out of her face and behind her right ear, she stood, turning and reluctantly opening the door to the on-call room. Meredith stood there, a mess.

"Where were you last night?" Meredith asked in an odd voice, not sounding like herself. Her hair was bedraggled and she seemed to be leaning in a funny angle to one side.

Cristina braced herself. "Uh, I sat with Burke. And then I headed home."

"You didn't answer your phone or your pager."

Cristina held back a tired sigh. "Yeah I fell asleep."

Meredith squinted her eyes at her, but didn't question it. "Cristina...some stuff happened after the prom. And during the prom. And then after the prom."

Cristina looked at her blankly.

"Izzie?" She asked, figuring that was what she was talking about. Remembering the reality of the last time she'd laid eyes on her fair-haired friend, it was a legitimately worriable question.

Meredith looked at her, concerned. "Izzie quit," Meredith said weakly.

Cristina stared at her. "Uh what?"

"The program. She...she told the chief she cut the wire, and then she said she wasn't a surgeon. And she quit."

Cristina closed her eyes in pain, then turned, allowing Meredith to enter the on-call room as she collapsed onto the bottom bunk of a nearby bed.

"Did she come home last night?" She asked.

"Yeah. But she didn't say anything. I think George tried to talk to her, but--" Cristina could hear Meredith talking, but she managed to zone most of it out, hazy images floating carelessly through her mind.

"Are you really here to talk about Izzie?" Cristina asked, covering her head loosely with a pillow. As Meredith's best friend, she knew her well enough to know she couldn't carry a conversation, even a surgical one, without whining or mentioning something about dirty mistresses and unknown-about affairs.

Meredith paused. "I slept with Derek."

Cristina pushed harder on the pillow, hoping to suffocate herself.

Meredith's voice sounded harsh. "I don't know what to do."

Cristina whipped the pillow off her head. "_Do?_" She asked.

Meredith stared at her, then it transformed into a look of questioning. "Yes. Do. You know, actions." Her face reddened and her voice grew loud and even more hoarse. "In the face of becoming a real, live, actual dirty mistress and being in love and terrified!"

Cristina sat up. "Do you know how lucky you are?" She yelled. "Do you know how LUCKY you are?" She repeated, screaming, standing up so she and Meredith were facing, both of their faces ridden with anger. "You have the chance to get WHATever you want! It's yours! You and your _McDreamy-_" she spat, "And your _McLife_, it's all just so McPerfect and blah, blah, blah. You whine, and you complain, about how hard it all is, but what are you going to do when there's nothing to whine about, when you get a new damn McDog with your Mc_Dreamy_ or your Mc_VET_ and it's all just so la-di-dah! What about the people with REAL problems Mer? What about the people who don't know, who don't know how things'll end up? What about the ones feeling _real_ pain, who are laying in hospital beds with bullet holes, who---"

Meredith stared at her, frowning, taking a step back. Cristina closed her eyes again, her face red, trying to breathe, trying to collect herself, trying to clear her thoughts. She ducked her head, her hair falling in her face, before taking a step into the hallway from the on-call room, heading where she didn't know.


	2. Chapter 2

When Angels Fly Away 

Chapter 2

By greyeyedgirl

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"And do you, Cristina Yang, take this man, Preston Xavier Burke, to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, to love and to cherish, as long as you both shall live?"

_Cristina's head felt foggy, and she looked around, confused. She was standing in a church. Burke was wearing a jogging suit, holding a cappuccino. Meredith stood in her scrubs, her hair curly and falling around her face. Izzie was in her prom dress. She turned to look at the guests. Bailey, in the back, holding Cristina's motorcycle helmet. The chief staring at Meredith. Derek wearing his ferryboat scrubcap, and Addison in her old-school salmon-colored scrubs. She turned to look back at Burke. **What do I do? What do I do?**_

"I do."

"_And do you, Preston Burke, take this woman, Cristina Nichole Yang, to be your lawfully wedded wife…to have and to hold…for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…"_

_Cristina felt her heart beating, sleep crashing over her in the steamy church. Wiping her hair from off of her sweaty forehead, she looked back at Burke, who was just finishing-"do." Suddenly the jacket of Burke's jogging suit burst open, and as Cristina stepped forward blood began to start gushing from Burke's chest. Cristina screamed, barely being able to hear herself over the fly-like buzzing in the room. Screaming and screaming and screaming, she took a step backwards, tripping over the wedding dress, tears streaming down her face. "Noooooo."_

"**_Noooooo!"_** Cristina's head shot up, hitting the top bunk of the bed in the on-call room. Moaning and sweating, Cristina looked around, pulling on her scrub top that had started to stick to her skin. She moaned again, rolling out of the bed, pulling her hair back into a ponytail as she headed to the locker room.

She swung the door open to the changing room, heading towards her locker and ignoring the stares. She knew she'd get stares, what with all the things that had went on 2 nights ago. People were still in shock. Word was already spreading on the reasons why Isobel Stevens had quit the program, and Cristina didn't think there were enough beds in the hospital for how many times she'd heard the words "Denny Duquette" "LVAD," and "Fell in love with a patient" strung together. And after seeing how Meredith and Derek reacted to each other during rounds, and then with the news that Preston Burke, man most-likely to get Chief of Surgery, had gotten shot…Cristina was in the middle of it all, and it was obvious by the way Raj the Psych intern had stared at her in the hall and Tyler the nurse had looked at her sadly, telling her he had put Dr. Burke in his prayers.

After yelling at Meredith that morning, Cristina had ran off to do rounds, then spent the day in the Pit on Bailey's orders. She'd visited Burke three times for about half an hour each, but all three times he was sleeping. At lunch Meredith hadn't spoken to her, George had been with Callie, Izzie was gone, and Alex didn't seem to be speaking to anyone. So Cristina had grabbed a coffee from the cart outside, bought a Snickers from the vending machine in the underground tunnel the interns sometimes hung out at, and sat on an abandoned gurney lining the hallway with The Textbook of Surgery on her lap. She'd went to visit Burke one more time, briefly, when she got off work, but left almost immediately, after finding George in his room.

She should probably apologize to Meredith. She should call Izzie, and see how she was doing. She should go see Burke and make sure his pre-rounds with Derek had went alright. She should, but she didn't. She grabbed a fresh pair of scrubs from her locker, headed into the bathroom to wash her face, and headed to the nurses' station to see if she could find a good case.

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End file.
